A form of playing games makes sense in attracting a man
By John Gray | Published: May 30, 2012
DEAR JOHN: Why is it that when you are vague and play hard to get and don't open up, then men are more interested? However, the minute you are nice and tell a man how much you appreciate the things he does for you, they seem to lose interest. Is it true that I should play the games my friends tell me to play, things like telling men that I am not available or not answering the phone or not returning their phone calls? I can see doing this in the beginning of a relationship, but after you have been dating six months it seems a little strange.
— Games Resistant, Rochester, N.Y.
DEAR GAMES RESISTANT: Martians instinctively pursue that which they have to hunt. You're trying to be helpful, friendly and easy are wonderful attributes, but in the early stages of a relationship, it can send the wrong signals.
Here is a small example: When a guy wants to open your car door, step aside and let him do it. I know you can open your own car door, but a man who wants to please and impress you is motivated to try harder to win your heart, so give him the opportunity.
Remember that men always appreciate what they need to work hard to accomplish. So make him work a little, and you'll both be pleased with the result!
DEAR JOHN: Recently, my husband had a vasectomy. We both agreed that he would do it, but two nights before the procedure, I changed my mind. However, he went ahead and did it, and it has left us in a bad situation. I am feeling hurt, regretful and depressed.
I know I don't want any more children; however I don't feel ready to make that decision permanent, right now. My husband is 39, and I am 30 and 19 weeks pregnant with our third child. Will my regrets eventually pass or should we seriously consider having the vasectomy reversed?
— Uncertain, Riverside, Calif.
DEAR UNCERTAIN: As you probably know from the past, pregnancy is a time when all of your emotions are raw. I'm not sure if I understand why this procedure could not have been delayed until after your delivery. But that aside, now is the time for you to focus on a healthy and successful pregnancy and give the other two children in your life the love and support they need. Like so many other issues in our lives, the passage of time may well make your course clear. Sometime after the arrival of your third baby, revisit the issue of a reversal and see how you both feel then.
DEAR JOHN: My husband gets angry and threatens to leave if I show any emotion or ask for affection. We have been married almost nine years, and my husband still thinks that I should be perfectly happy, every minute of every day. I feel so much bottled up inside of me that I feel like I am going to burst. I know he will get angry with me if I cry or try to talk to him about how I feel, and then things will just be worse. He also has refused counseling. I don't know what to do.
-- In Tears, Jefferson City, Mo.
DEAR IN TEARS: Men often shy away when women bubble over with emotions. They are at a loss to reason for themselves what the source of the problem is and/or they simply don't want to know.
For now, since counseling is not an option, try this: Take time on your own to write a “feeling letter” to yourself that allows you to express the hurt and pain you are now feeling. Imagine what things your husband could tell you that you have wanted and waited to hear. Visualize this entire process.
Having done this exercise, take one issue that you want to raise and do so with him in a less emotional fashion. Having worked through some of your emotions in the process of writing the feeling letter, you should be better able to do this. In fact, when you bring up the issue, do so in a very businesslike manner, which means including a possible solution that demonstrates your desire to solve the issue rather than just put it out there. You could say, “Lately, I've been concerned about. ... I'd like to deal with it this way. ... What do you think?”
Everyone wants to live happily ever after. There's a reasonable chance that can happen — if we work toward solutions that both partners can embrace.
DEAR JOHN: My wife and I are in our late 40s, and our last child has finally left the nest. Of course, for the past 20 years our energies were totally focused on our family's needs: raising and providing for our four children. Now that they are no longer around, it seems as if we have very little to say to each other.
Our interests are very different, and that passionate spark just isn't there any more. It's scary to think that, after all these years, the kids were the only thing we had in common. What about the next 20-or-so years of our lives together? How can we regain the love we once felt for each other?
— Together Alone, Spokane, Wash.
DEAR TOGETHER ALONE: You have found yourself in a situation that occurs in the lives of many couples: Now that you've attained the goal of raising a family, you no longer feel you have any other common interests. This does not have to be. Just as nature moves through several seasons, so does every relationship. At this point, your relationship is a winter stage.
To create a new spring, focus on new experiences that you can share. You can do this in many ways. For example, partake in some of the many public or community events that happen around you. Travel to new places so that you may see and experience things that you otherwise may have missed. Volunteer your time at fundraisers for charities. In this manner, you'll meet new people and share new experiences.
If by chance one of you opts out of an activity now and then, that's OK, too. You don't have to do everything together. The true purpose here is to gain new insights. By doing so, you also gain a new respect for your loved one, which in turn, rekindles the passion you feel for each other.
John Gray is the author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” If you have a question, send them by email to comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
